Elam Bonebright

Illustrator at Large

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BUMPER STICKER THEORY

Bumper Sticker Theory is a concept that I devised a few years ago, though I’m certain that everyone has their own version of it through personal observation and experience.  It is the theory that any bumper sticker applied to a vehicle is indicative of a terrible driver, and is just one more reason why I still choose not to drive unless I absolutely have to.  It doesn’t matter what the sticker says, whether its political or religious affiliations apply to you, if you find it entertaining, so on.  Every bumper sticker might as well read, “Drives like shit”, “Will cut you off”, or some other variant of, “I might love cats, but the anonymity afforded me by this vehicle means I’m going to be an asshole behind the wheel.”
There are, of course, the occasional exceptions to the rule, and not all branches of this theory apply specifically to bumper stickers so much as flashy expressions of “individuality” in general.  But the more I get around, the more these basic caveats seem to hold true.

Rules of BST:

1. Main Theory:  A bumper sticker is indicative of a bad driver, no matter its content.

2. Ninjas: There are two exceptions to the first rule of BST, the first of which are ninjas.  Ninjas are drivers that do not mark their vehicles with bumper stickers or any noticeable form of personalization, but still drive like they own the road.  The more common of the two exceptions, ninja’s live up to their name by hiding in plain sight before striking quickly and without warning. 

3. Insurgents:  The second and less common of the two exceptions are insurgents.  Like their fellow sticker branded drivers, they want the world to know their opinions, likes, and dislikes, and figure the best time for you to be made aware of such things is in the middle of rush hour.  Unlike regular BS (not to be confused with ‘Bullshit’) drivers, Insurgents are actually somewhat considerate behind the wheel, and show little in the way of belligerence towards other vehicles.

4. Red Cars:  For whatever reason, red cars seem to go faster than others.  Sometimes the increment of increased speed is determined by the type of red, with darker shades traveling closer to average speeds and brighter reds weaving to pass the rest of the world up by an extra 10mph. Sometimes this rule applies itself to yellow cars as well, likely because yellow cars only come in ‘bright and flashy’.

5. Flame Details:  Cars with flames on either side also happen to go faster.  Because dude, THEY’RE ON FIRE!

6. Red Flame Cars:  Red car + Flames = Unholy redundancy

And those are the rules of BST in a nutshell. 

If you have anything you would like to add, please notify me with your rule and an example of when you’ve experienced it in action.

Thanks for letting me vent! 

Filed under bumper stickers cars stickers